Reflection 94

On the results of the persistent reading of Scripture, including growth in Christlikeness and the all-sufficiency of Christ to effect it, especially against human effort… 

“I have been employing,” he says, “most of this morning in reading St. Paul’s Epistles to the Romans and the Galatians.” It was by this careful study, which no press of business ever interrupted, and which continued daily through his life, that he obtained an acquaintance with holy Scripture unusual even in professed theologians. A marked advance in his character during the course of this year may be traced in the altered tone of his most private entries. Still indeed they abounded in that deep humiliation with which they who have looked closely into the perfect law of liberty must ever contemplate their own fulfilment of its demands; yet they bear already more of that calm and peaceful character which cast so warm a light upon his later days. “Though utterly unworthy,” he says, “I thank God for having enabled me to pray with earnestness. Oh that this may not be as the morning cloud and as the early dew! By His grace I will persevere with more earnestness than ever, labouring to work out my own salvation in an entire and habitual dependance upon Him.” “If you have truly learned to feel the insufficiency of .your own powers,” says the Dean of Carlisle, to whom he had poured forth his earnest desires after a more rapid growth in holiness, “you have made more progress than you think of; and if you can support that feeling and act upon it for any time together, your advance is very considerable.” He judged himself indeed to be “in a more pleasing state.” “I have been praying,” he says, “earnestly to God for His Spirit through Christ to renew my corrupt nature and make me spiritually- minded; what folly is all else! Let me take courage, relying on the sure promises of God in Christ and the powerful operations of the Spirit of grace. Though I am weak He is strong. I must more cherish this heavenly inhabitant.”

Date: November 22, 1792

Volume 1: Page 371-372

Posted: 20210502

Reflection 93

On God as the primary agent of heart change… 

“Oh how unavailing is all but the grace of God to change the heart! Here I am earthly-minded—O change my heart, Thou who alone canst effect this mighty transformation.”

Date: October 13, 1792

Volume 1: Page 370

Posted: 20210430

Reflection 92

On fighting distraction, the mercy of God, and a prayer for increased witness, yielding, love, and victory over sin… 

“24th. Spent this day chiefly in religious exercises, and had much serious thought, but found my heart often earthly, and wasting time in what was rather general staring than distinct self-examination. I have been looking over the principal events of my past life; and what cause do I find for contrition, and for admiring the long-suffering of God, that he did not cut me off whilst in the full career of thoughtlessness; or since, when enjoying every advantage, I have put them to so little purpose! I am now entering my thirty- fourth year; above the half of my life is spent. Oh spare me yet. Thou God of mercy, and render me yet an ornament to my Christian profession; yet in this make me altogether resigned to Thy will, give me only the love of Thee, and a victory over my corruptions.”

Date: August 24, 1792

Volume 1: Page 367

Posted: 20210427

Reflection 91

On his associations with believers and unbelievers… 

“17th. This is the day on which Pitt, Dundas, P. Arden, and Steele are at Hamels. I am disposed to wish myself with them. I find that even here in religious society I can have an earthly mind; yet to depart (when not necessary to be with them) from those who fear not God, and to associate with those who do, is one part of waiting on God to which the promise is made. ‘Awake, thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.’” 

Though he at this time diminished in some measure his intercourse with those of whom he could not hope that they were living with a constant reference to unseen things, yet he did not retire rudely from their friendship. Not that his intimacies had ever been among the enemies of religion; he had never been so blind as to expect a national reformation from men of abandoned character; and neither Mr. Pitt nor his other friends had ever been tainted with unbelief, or allied to that infidel party which has at all times found its rallying point in opposition to God and His church. Hence his constant care to employ his private influence for the advancement of religion was not impeded by their opposition of principles: the maxims for which he contended might not be duly appreciated, but they formed part of their admitted creed.

Date: August 17, 1792

Volume 1: Page 363-364

Posted: 20210423

Reflection 90

On the stewardship of life and the inferiority of earthly affections when compared to heavenly glory… 

“You will, I know, be shocked to hear that poor Philips has been suddenly carried out of this world. O my dear friend, may events like this impress on us the survivors by how frail a tenure we hold our present life, and excite us to strive for that state wherein we may be always ready to attend the awful call. In a moment like that, how contemptible will appear all those objects of pleasure or ambition which have at times engaged our warmest affections! ‘Give an account of thy stewardship, for thou mayest be no longer steward.’ What emphatic words!”

Date: June 6, 1792

Volume 1: Page 362-363

Posted: 20210420

Reflection 89

On solitude – urged and undertaken…   

“25th. Had a long conversation with Pearson, on the proper measure of a Christian’s living in society, whether religious or worldly. He was very strong for solitude, and speaks of the benefit he personally has received from it. I talked with him very openly, and was much struck with what he said. Sunday, 29th. I have to-day been for several hours engaged in religious reading, but too languidly. I have had this week some very serious talk with Mr. Pearson. He strongly pressed solitude, from reason, Scripture, and his own personal experience. I believe he is right, and mean to seek more quiet and solitude than I have done; to consider the point, and draw up my thoughts upon it. 30th. Read Howe ‘On Delighting in God,’ and much affected by it. Heard from Osborne that there would be no county meeting, and therefore set free; and on thinking the matter over, resolved for Bath. Wrote to Mr. Cecil to ask him to be my companion. Amongst my reasons for Bath one, though not the leading one, is the desire of solitude; may God render it useful to me.”

Date: July 25-30, 1792

Volume 1: Page 359-360

Posted: 20210417

Reflection 88

On devoting the forthcoming recess to God – his resolutions and a prayer… 

The bustle of this busy session had not dispelled those serious purposes with which he had commenced its labours. “The beginning of a long recess draws near, and I will endeavour to consecrate it to God by a day of solemn prayer and fasting. I will labour to lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset me, and to adorn the doctrine of God my Saviour; to follow peace with all men, and above all to love the Lord my God with all my heart. O strengthen me, Lord, by Thy grace, for I am very weakness; cleanse me, for I am all corruption; and since ease begets carelessness, may I be clothed with humility, and may I fear alway.”

Date: June 10, 1792

Volume 1: Page 352

Posted: 20210414

Reflection 87

On hoping in Christ in the midst of a hurried season… 

In this hurry of business he enters, “Perhaps I have been a little more attentive to my devotions in this last week; yet too little thinking of God’s presence and favour. But though with a cold heart, I will proceed, praying for more grace; and though this next fortnight will be a sadly hurrying time, I will hope, by God’s help, to amend at least in some things. Look to Jesus: all other modes are vain.”

Date: Mid-April 1792

Volume 1: Page 348-349

Posted: 20210411

Reflection 86

On pleasing God above and beyond all earthly loyalties… 

“Called away after dinner to Slave Committee. Pitt threw out against Slave motion on St. Domingo account. I must repose myself on God. The insincerity of my heart has been shamefully evinced to me to-day, when I could hardly bring myself to resolve to do my duty and please God at the expense (as I suspect it will turn out) of my cordiality with Pitt, or rather his with me.” “Do not be afraid,” he tells Mr. Babington, “lest I should give ground: I hope, through God’s blessing, to be enabled to press forward, and never to abandon my pursuit or relax in it till. . a supposition hardly conceivable . . it shall become right so to do. This is a matter wherein all personal, much more all ministerial, attachments must be as dust in the balance.”

Date: C. March 1792

Volume 1: Page 341

Posted: 20210408

Reflection 85

On hope in the hereafter, with a view toward the joys of holy fellowship – in a letter to a friend… 

“May the time at length come, when, through the goodness of God, we may indulge (with those friends we have before lost for this life) uninterrupted and ever-growing effusions of affection.”

Date: January 20, 1792

Volume 1: Page 332

Posted: 20210405

Reflection 84

On following Christ – a petition to a friend for accountability, a picture of true Christianity, and pondering the humbling, helpful mercy of God in Christ… 

“When I seem to you at any time to be intoxicated as it were by the hurry, the business, or the dissipation of life, spare not the best offices of friendship; recall me to that sobriety and seriousness of mind, which become those who know not when they may be called away: place before me the solemn triumphs of which you have been a spectator, and animate me to press forward in emulation of so glorious an example. To die the death, we must indeed live the life, of Christians. We must fix our affections on things above, not on things on the earth. We must endeavour habitually to preserve that frame of mind, and that course of conduct, with which we may be justly said to be waiting for the appearance of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know not any description of a Christian which impresses itself so forcibly as this on my mind. Alas! when with this which I ought to be I compare myself as I am, I am lost in unutterable shame and self-abasement. But I throw myself on the mercies of God in Christ; I resolve to venture all on this foundation; and relying on that help which is promised to them that ask it, I determine to struggle with all my corruptions, and to employ what is left to me of life, and talents, and influence, in the way which shall appear to me most pleasing to my heavenly Father. Oh with what humiliation have I to look back on the years wherein all these were so grossly wasted; and what reason have I to rejoice that I was not then snatched away!”

Date: January 20, 1792

Volume 1: Page 331

Posted: 20210402

Reflection 83

On his spiritual progress, brought into focus by the death of a friend… 

“22nd January. Saw the astonishing letter from Miss More, containing an account, written inter moriendum, of Harriet Bird’s death at six o’clock on Wednesday morning. Oh may my latter end be like hers! Strongly affected; may it be deeply.” “I have been extremely affected by Miss More’s account of Harriet’s death-bed scene.—how can I but be so—particularly her illumination, and the following agony just before she was taken to glory. I have felt these things, I humbly hope, not in vain. She prayed for me on her death-bed. How does her progress shame me! I am behind, far behind all of them. But my eyes will not allow me to write; many tears to-day from mental struggles have injured them. May God, for Christ’s sake, cause them not to flow in vain. I fly to Him for pardon, pleading the blood of Jesus. Though I almost despair, yet Christ is mighty to save. I have been looking over letters written to me by Milner, Pitt, &c. when I first entered upon a religious profession. How little have I corresponded to the outset! Yet it is not too late. But I am apt to take comfort after writing thus, as though the business was done. Let me dismiss all vain confidence, and build upon the sure foundation.”

Date: January 22, 1792

Volume 1: Page 329-330

Posted: 20210330

Reflection 82

On the toll of too much company, his spiritual state, distrusting self, and prayers for direction and strength…  

But although he watched over himself thus diligently, and withdrew from all superfluous intercourse with society, “dining from home less than in former years, and giving fewer dinners, either ordinary or formal, upon Milner’s persuasion;” yet his wakeful eye detected some injury to his spirit from his continual engagements. “Both my body and mind suffer from over-occupation. My heart is now in a cold and senseless state, and 1 have reason to adore the goodness of God in not hardening me. I have been short, and cold, and wandering in private devotions. Habit and the grace of God preventing me have kept me in a decent observance of external duties, but all within is overgrown with weeds, and every truly Christian grace well nigh choked. Yet, O Thou all-merciful Father, and Thou Saviour of sinners, receive me yet again, and supply me with strength. Oh let me now quicken the things that are ready to die! My worldly connexions certainly draw me into temptations great and innumerable, yet I dare not withdraw from a station in which God has placed me. Still let me deal honestly with myself in this matter, and if, on further trial, I find reason to believe I ought to lead a more sequestered life, may I not dread the imputation of singularity. If from my extreme weakness this public company-keeping life cannot be made consistent with a heavenly frame of mind, I think I ought to retire more. Herein and in all things may God direct me; but let me strive more against my corruptions, and particularly not straiten prayer. I find myself confiding in my resolutions; let me universally distrust myself, but let me throw myself at the feet of Christ as an undone creature, distrusting yea despairing of myself, but firmly relying upon Him. ‘Him that cometh unto Me I will in no wise cast out.’ ‘They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.’”

Date: January 1792

Volume 1: Page 328-329

Posted: 20210327

Reflection 81

On laboring in the strength of Christ… 

“…I labour, looking to a better strength than my own, to discharge the duties of this life, from a regard to the happiness of the other, and from a sentiment of gratitude towards Him to whose undeserved mercy alone I can look for its attainment.”

Date: Early January 1792

Volume 1: Page 327

Posted: 20210324

Reflection 80

On watchfulness, with the aid of a rousing sermon and reliance on the resources of Christ… 

In entering upon this distracting scene he did not forget the resolutions of greater watchfulness with which he had closed his last London season. “I will watch and pray,” he says, “or God may punish my carelessness by suffering me to fall a prey to sin.” Christ says, through His apostle, ‘Be not conformed to this world.’ Do Thou teach me. Lord, the true limits of conformity. I have been hearing a most excellent sermon from Mr. Scott, on procrastination. I was very cold and sluggish in spiritual affections both yesterday and this morning, but I hope this discourse has roused me; may I be enabled to put in practice these most important admonitions. I have much cause for humiliation in the past week; yet I think I go on better in my own house than in Henry Thornton’s, from having more quiet; and I humbly resolve to press forward, and apply diligently to the throne of grace, that Christ may be made to me wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption.”

Date: January 1792

Volume 1: Page 326-327

Posted: 20210321

Reflection 79

On the vanity of keeping resolutions without God’s help…

“A better Sunday than some past—I trust that I have been sincerely affected. Cecil’s in the evening, and went over the sermon afterwards to my family. I have been to-day receiving the sacrament, and looking back upon the last year, and I desire now to be enabled to purpose stedfastly to lead a new life. I have been in a hurry of business since I came to town, and short in my devotions. All my resolutions for the future must be vain without the help of God; yet relying on it, and labouring to strengthen the main principle, I will strive to keep such rules as seem proper in my situation.” “I thank God,” he says in his private Journal of Jan. 4th, “I have been in rather a more watchful, sober frame of mind, than for some time past. I pray God it may continue. How much room is there still for more watchfulness! yet I trust that I am mending.”

Date: January 1, 4, 1792

Volume 1: Page 325

Posted: 20210317

Reflection 78

On recognizing his strength in the Lord, including many resolutions for the benefit of self and others and the pleasure of God… 

“May God, for Christ’s sake, enable me to serve Him from a genuine principle of evangelical obedience. I will labour after a sense of God’s presence, and a remembrance that I have been redeemed, and so am not my own. More fixedness in devotion, reading Scripture, and self-examination—greater self-restraint in lawful things, both in thought and act. Little secret self-denials, without much thought. More real gratitude to God at meals, and when enjoying other comforts—kind friends, and all external conveniences. In company—rational conversation and innocent mirth. Topics prepared—what good can I do or get—draw out others when I can without feeding their vanity—above all aim at their spiritual good—think for each of them. Truth to be observed strictly. General kindness and mildness, especially towards inferiors—beware of vanity and evil speaking. Frequent aspirations in solitary relaxation—recapitulate or revolve topics, or at least avoid rambling, wandering thoughts. In every thing, according to its measure, you may please or displease God.”

Date: November 13, 1791

Volume 1: Page 318

Posted: 20210314

Reflection 77

On recognizing his weakness… 

“My religious frame is too cold, and I do not bring these things home to my heart so readily, cheerfully, and naturally as I ought. Oh may times mend with me in this! God is gracious. Be sober and watch unto prayer…

“4th November. Going on diligently and comfortably in mind, yet too little of the Christian spirit… 

“8th. Going on as usual in business—too carelessly, yet not without many resolutions of amendment, and some warm devotional feelings. When shall I be able to amend thoroughly?

“10th. Dined at —’s a Lichfield, Buxton church in view. These meetings are sad work—we practise such hums upon one another. How little do we talk like passengers who are hastening to a better country, and here are in a strange one! Oh may God enable me to preserve a constant and a sober mind with a gay exterior. Sunday, 13th. I thank God that for the most part I was much impressed with a sense of serious things, and resolved anew; yet how weak am I in performance!”

Date: Late October – Early November 1791

Volume 1: Page 317

Posted: 20210310

Reflection 76

On the lure of worldly pleasures and prestige, and the solitude of a Sunday to dispel it…

“22nd. I find my mind liable to be intoxicated with the comfort and grandeur of this scene. Oh may God enable me to preserve a steady, heavenly-minded frame! All here breathes a spirit of proud independence, quite different from Babington’s. 23rd. Read Witherspoon’s sermon upon the World crucified to Believers, and much affected by it. Oh may it be to some purpose. But how soon do good impressions evaporate! How have I been at times intoxicated by the external comforts of the scene around me, instead of feeling thankful that I am not exposed to them!”

“Often in my visits to Holwood,” he has said, “when I heard one or another speak of this man’s place, or that man’s peerage, I felt a rising inclination to pursue the same objects; but a Sunday in solitude never failed to restore me to myself.”

Date: September 22-23, October 16, 1791

Volume 1: Page 314, 316

Posted: 20210307

Reflection 75

On serving others over winning arguments…

“21st. Arrived at H. by three o’clock – an interesting conversation on religion with Dr. Oliver. I am apt to be too polemic in arguing with him and H. on points of divinity and morals. I have too little serious and humble desire to serve them, and too much desire of victory in debate. Remember the character of the wisdom that is from above, pure, peaceable, and gentle. I must aim at less volatility and more internal self-possession in company with a gay exterior.”

Date: September 21, 1791

Volume 1: Page 313-314

Posted: 20210303

Reflection 74

On suffering, its revelations, and his resolve to press on and glorify God…

“29th. In pain all to-day. Thought too much of my sufferings, and am not thankful enough to God for all his mercy. My sister and friends kind and tender in the extreme. I find when I am ill that I cannot attend to serious things: this should be a warning to me to work whilst it is day. Oh may I still press forward! Religion is still too much a toil to me, and not enough of a delight. I am shortly going into a scene of great temptation: oh may I be preserved from infection, and so conduct myself as to glorify my Father which is in heaven.”

Date: August 29, 1791

Volume 1: Page 313

Posted: 20210228

Reflection 73

On persevering in spiritual disciplines for living the Christian life – by God’s grace, for God’s glory… 

Upon the 5th of August, accordingly, he reached Rothley Temple, the seat of Mr. Babington, and enters his determination “to be as diligent whilst here as I can be, consistently with health, and to cultivate in prayer, and reading Scripture, through the help of the Spirit of Christ, the graces of the Christian temper.” “It pleased God to give me this morning an affecting sense of my own sinfulness, and a determination to live henceforth, by his grace, more to his glory.” “Cold at first, yet moved afterwards by a sense of heavenly things, and determined to go to the important work of self-examination, and to set about a thorough change. Henceforth I purpose, by God’s grace, to employ my faculties and powers more to his glory; to live a godly, diligent, useful, self-denying life. I know my own weakness, and I trust to God alone for strength.”

Date: August 5, 1791

Volume 1: Page 311-312

Posted: 20210224

Reflection 72

On holding friends accountable for taking the Lord’s name in vain, with tact and tenacity… 

“G. sadly taking God’s name in vain.” To any of his friends who had contracted this irreverent habit, he made a practice of addressing by letter his most serious admonitions; and he has often said that by this custom he never lost, and but once endangered the continuance of a friendship. “I wrote to the late Sir — and mentioned to him this bad habit. He sent me in reply an angry letter, returning a book that I had given him; and asking for one he had given me. Instead of it I sent him a second letter of friendly expostulation, which so won him over, that he wrote to me in the kindest tone, and begged me to send him back again the book he had so hastily returned.”

Date: June 30, 1791

Volume 1: Page 304

Posted: 20210221

Reflection 71

On reading and reflection (or lack thereof)… 

The leisure hours which he thus secured, were devoted to reading and reflection. He was at this time engaged upon the “Bible, Robertson’s India and America, Arabian Nights, Horsley’s Charge and Letters, Bishop Taylor’s Sermons, Rennel, Tavernier, Aesop, Bacon’s Essays, Pope’s Dunciad, Essay on Man, Epistles, &c. Asiatic Researches, Epictetus twice, Horace by heart.” “Spent the morning,” he says, “in serious reading, and much affected.” “Read St. Paul’s epistles attentively for two hours, I hope with profit. Christ is all; our fulness is from him.” “I am reading much; thinking too little.”

Date: Early June 1791

Volume 1: Page 302

Posted: 20210217

Reflection 70

On heart care – its importance and its implements… 

I am too apt to pursue general plans of usefulness without watching over my own heart. I must aim at more meditation, prayer, Scripture reading, solitude, and concern for the spiritual state of others.

Date: May 22, 1791

Volume 1: Page 300

Posted: 20210213

Reflection 69

On repentance and responsibility – Wilberforce calls Great Britain to both, in a speech to the House… 

“But on every view it becomes Great Britain to be forward in the work [of abolition]. One half of this guilty commerce [the slave trade] has been conducted by her subjects, and as we have been great in crime let us be early in repentance. There will be a day of retribution wherein we shall have to give account of all the talents, faculties, and opportunities which have been intrusted to us. Let it not then appear that our superior power has been employed to oppress our fellow-creatures, and our superior light to darken the creation of our God.”

Date: April 18, 1791

Volume 1: Pages 298-299

Posted: 20210206

Reflection 68

On trusting God for the resources needed to carry on his work, and entrusting to God the outcome of his impending motion in the House… 

Such sympathy [Wesley’s letter – see last post] no doubt often cheered his spirit in the weary hours of thoughtful preparation. But it was by a greater might that he was strengthened. He approached the combat strong in “truth” itself, and in “the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left.” “May God,” he writes in his private memoranda a few days before the contest, “enable me henceforth to live more to his glory, and bless me in this great work I have now in hand. May I look to Him for wisdom and strength and the power of persuasion, and may I surrender myself to Him as to the event with perfect submission, and ascribe to Him all the praise if I succeed, and if I fail say from the heart Thy will be done.”

Date: April 1791

Volume 1: Pages 297-298

Posted: 20210129

Reflection 67

Wesley: On Wilberforce’s divine appointment to the monumental task of abolition – a letter of encouragement, exhortation, and prayer… 

“Feb. 21, 1791. 

“My dear Sir, 

Unless the Divine power has raised you up to be as Athanasius contra mundum, I see not how you can go through your glorious enterprise, in opposing that execrable villany which is the scandal of religion, of England, and of human nature. Unless God has raised you up for this very thing, you will be worn out by the opposition of men and devils; but if God be for you who can be against you. Are all of them together stronger than God? Oh be not weary of well-doing. Go on in the name of God, and in the power of His might, till even American slavery, the vilest that ever saw the sun, shall vanish away before it. That He who has guided you from your youth up may continue to strengthen you in this and all things, is the prayer of, 

Dear Sir, 

Your affectionate servant, 

John Wesley.”

Date: February 21, 1791

Volume 1: Page 297

Posted: 20210121

Reflection 66

On devoting Sunday to his abolition work – impressed with the need, but troubled by the necessity…

So incessant was this occupation, that on the eve of the ensuing debate, as upon one previous occasion, he judged it right to devote to his work of mercy that holy day upon which it is the ordinary privilege of the busiest Christian to rest from worldly cares. “Spent” (are his entries upon these occasions) “Sunday as a working day—did not go to church—Slave Trade. Gave up Sunday to slave business—did business and so ended this sabbath. I hope it was a grief to me the whole time to turn it from its true purposes.”

Date: March 1791

Volume 1: Page 289-290

Posted: 20210113

Reflection 65

On the sinfulness of his heart and Christ’s love in dying for sinners… 

“I have lately heard of the deaths of many who seemed far more likely to live than I did. May these events be a warning to me. May I labour to do the work of my heavenly Father whilst it is day. My parliamentary and London winter should now begin as from a new era. Let me press forward with renewed alacrity. May the love of Christ constrain me.”

Date: March 1791

Volume 1: Page 288

Posted: 20210106

Reflection 64

On Christmas day – after several trying weeks, a renewed resolve in reliance on God…

“28th, Sunday. For want of a plan lost the value of this day sadly…”

“Dec. 1st. Dined R. Smith’s—Pitt, Long, Bayham, Dundas, Bankes—staid too long—came home heartsick.” “My heart cold in religious exercises. 2nd. My mind is distracted—I am embarrassed by too great a variety of objects…”

“13th, Sunday… I have been lately tempted to vanity and pride. Many symptoms occur to my recollection. Pleased with flattery…”

“25th. Christmas day. I have just been receiving the sacrament, and I resolve by God’s grace to lead a new life, walking in His ways; in His strength I must do it, for 1 am weak and helpless. I will try now as strict a course of temperance as my health will allow.”

Date: November 28, December 1, 2, 13, 25, 1790

Volume 1: Pages 285-286

Posted: 20201230

Reflection 63

On heavenly affections: prayed for, endeavored upon, and later fulfilled – all by God’s grace and power…

“27th. Being much in company on my birth-day, and on account of Henry Thornton’s illness not being able to retire and spend it in private, that anniversary passed over with too little recollection. Oh may I from this time cultivate heavenly affections by mortifying the flesh, and living much in the view of unseen things, and may the Spirit of the Lord sanctify me wholly!”

“11th. Slave evidence, and very hard at it with Babington all this week: wherein by God’s blessing enabled to preserve a better sense of heavenly things than for some time before.”

Date: August 27, October 11, 1790

Volume 1: Pages 275, 281

Posted: 20201223

Reflection 62

On his deliverance from a carriage accident by God, the primacy of general reformation for its power to inculcate dependence on God, and the usefulness of solitude and silence for communion with God…

In his private Diary, he reviews the time which had been spent in this canvass, and records his narrow escape from a serious accident, when his carriage was overturned in the village of Bessingby, near Bridlington. “The confusion of a canvass, and the change of place, have led me lately to neglect my resolution. But self-indulgence is the root of the evil: with idleness it is my besetting sin. I pray God to enable me to resist both of them, and serve Him in newness of life. How little have I thought of my deliverance the other day, when the carriage was dashed to pieces! How many have been killed by such accidents, and I unhurt! Oh let me endeavour to turn to Thee.” He adds a few days later, “I have been thinking too much of one particular failing, that of self-indulgence, whilst I have too little aimed at general reformation. It is when we desire to love God with all our hearts, and in all things to devote ourselves to his service, that we find our continual need of his help, and such incessant proofs of our own weakness, that we are kept watchful and sober, and may hope by degrees to be renewed in the spirit of our minds. Oh may I be thus changed from darkness to light! Whatever reason there may be for my keeping open house in Palace Yard, certain it is, that solitude and quiet are favourable to reflection and to sober-mindedness; let me therefore endeavour to secure to myself frequent seasons of uninterrupted converse with God.”

Date: June 1790

Volume 1: Pages 271-272

Posted: 20201215

Reflection 61

On living faithfully – and his commitment thereto – despite the challenges of constant company…

“…during the sitting of Parliament, my house is a mere hotel.”

His anti-room was thronged from an early hour; its first occupants being generally invited to his breakfast table; and its later tenants only quitting it when he himself went out on business. Yet in this constant bustle he endeavoured still to live by rule. “Alas,” he writes upon the 31st of January, “with how little profit has my lime passed away since I came to town! I have been almost always in company, and they think me like them rather than become like me. I have lived too little like one of God’s peculiar people.” “Hence come waste of time, forgetfulness of God, neglect of opportunities of usefulness, mistaken impressions of my character. Oh may I be more restrained by my rules for the future; and in the trying week upon which I am now entering, when I shall be so much in company, and give so many entertainments, may I labour doubly by a greater cultivation of a religious frame, by prayer, and by all due temperance, to get it well over.”

Date: January 1790

Volume 1: Pages 255-257

Posted: 20201209

Reflection 60

On the first of a new year – a humbling look back, and a hopeful look forward and upward… 

Though his character had evidently risen in the last twelve months, yet the new year opened with strong expressions of dissatisfaction with himself—a sure consequence of aiming at an elevated standard. 

“Jan. 1st. Lock—Scott—with Henry Thornton—‘These forty years in the Wilderness’—received the sacrament. Most deeply impressed with serious things, shame from past life, and desire of future amendment.” “I have been receiving the sacrament after an excellent sermon of Scott’s, and with the deepest humiliation I look up for mercy, through Christ, to that God whose past mercies I have so often abused. I resolve by God’s help to mortify the flesh with the affections and lusts, so far as my very infirm health will permit me, and to labour more and more to live the life I now live in the flesh, in the faith of the Son of God. How should I be humbled by seeing the little progress I have made since 1786! Poor Newton dines with me to-day, on whom I then called. He has not dined from home on new-year’s day for thirty years. I shall now form a set of rules, and by God’s help adhere to them. My health is very bad, a little thing disorders me, at thirty and a half I am in constitution sixty. ‘The night cometh when no man can work.’” “Oh may divine grace protect and support me throughout the ensuing campaign, preserve me from the world’s mistaken estimate of things, and enable me to be a Christian indeed, and to glorify God by my life and conduct.”

Date: January 1, 1790

Volume 1: Pages 253-254

Posted: 20201201

Reflection 59

On endeavoring to live to the purposes of God, with a view to his position in Christ… 

“Had I looked for them, doubtless I had found many opportunities of serious conversation and mutual edification. May God forgive my neglected occasions, and enable me to profit more from them in future.”

“And as I stay here may I employ my leisure well, and try to walk as remembering God’s eye is ever over me.”

“Sunday, 6th. Had some very serious thoughts and strong compunctions, from which I hope good will result. Remember, O my soul, that if thou availest not thyself of these warnings, the greater will be thy condemnation. May I be enabled to place my happiness in communion with God, and may I be found in the spotless robe of Christ’s righteousness, covering my iniquities from the pure eyes of a holy God.”

Date: November 17, 29; December 6, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 251-252

Posted: 20201124

Reflection 58

On conviction over his witness, a prayer for transformation, resolutions, and his fixation on Jesus…  

“Alas! alas! sat up too late, and strong compunctions.” After retiring to his room [after a large dinner party] he wrote upon a sheet of paper, “I have been acting a part this whole evening; and whilst I have appeared easy and cheerful, my heart has been deeply troubled. That, if it should please God to call me away before to-morrow morning’s light, I may not have contributed to encourage this fatal carelessness concerning the interests of futurity in never-dying souls, let me here record my sense of it, and warn all who shall read these lines, to remember that awful declaration, ‘For all these things God shall call thee into judgment.’”

“Oh how difficult it is to keep alive in the soul any spark of the true spirit of religion! ‘Quicken me, O Lord.’ Form in me daily that new creature which is made after thy likeness. May I be endeavouring in all things to walk in wisdom to them that are without, redeeming the time; labouring for the spiritual improvement of others; mortifying the flesh, and living soberly, righteously, and godly in this present world. For the ensuing week let it be my main care to exterminate a sensual spirit rather by substituting better regards in its place, than by attacking it directly; yet being moderate in all enjoyments, and looking through them to the gracious Author of all good. Sober-mindedness, good-nature, plan for time, &c. Topics for conversation and study. Looking unto Jesus.”

Date: October 27, 30, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 249-251

Posted: 20201117

Reflection 57

On the giving of money (and labor) to aid the impoverished, in a letter to Hannah More…

“As for the expense, the best proof you can give me that you believe me hearty in the cause, or sincere in the wishes expressed in the former part of this letter, is to call on me for money without reserve. Every one should contribute out of his own proper fund. I have more money than time, and if you, or rather your sister, on whom I foresee must be devolved the superintendence of our infant establishment, will condescend to be my almoner, you will enable me to employ some of the superfluity it has pleased God to give me to good purpose. Sure I am, that they who subscribe attention and industry, &c. furnish articles of more sterling and intrinsic value.”

Date: October 25, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 246-247

Posted: 20201110

Reflection 56

On trusting and glorifying God in sickness and in health…  

“I feel it to be an indispensable duty to do all I can for the perfect restoration of my health, leaving the matter with cheerful resignation in His hands, who best knows what is good for us. If I do recover strength, may He enable me to use it for his glory.”

“Let me as often as possible retire up into the mountain, and come down only on errands of usefulness and love. Oh may God enable me to fix my affections mainly on Him, and to desire to glorify Him, whether in life or death; looking unto Jesus, and continuing constant in prayer.”

Date: August 23, September 5, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 242-244

Posted: 20201103

Reflection 55

On the eve of turning thirty – looking back with discontent in self, looking forward with hope in Christ…

“Resolved,” he says upon the 23rd of August, “to think seriously to-day for to-morrow, my birth-day, on which I shall be much more disturbed.” His more private Journal thus records the thoughts to which he turned his mind. “Cowslip Green, birthday eve. To-morrow I complete my thirtieth year. What shame ought to cover me when I review my past life in all its circumstances! With full knowledge of my Master’s will, how little have I practised it! How little have I executed the purposes I formed last summer at Rayrigg! Wherein am I improved even in my intellectual powers? My business I pursue but as an amusement, and poor Ramsay (now no more) shames me in the comparison. Yet is there hope in God’s mercy through Christ. May He give constancy and vigour to my resolutions. May 1 look ever forward to that day of account to which 1 am hastening; may I act as in His sight, and preserving the deepest self-abasement, may my light so shine before men, that they may see my good works, and glorify my Father which is in heaven.”

Date: August 23, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 240-241

Posted: 20201028

Reflection 54

On his need for more solitude, godly company, a renewed love of God, and a sense of His presence… 

“I must abstract [withdraw] more, and live more by myself. I am too much conformed to this world. I ought not to aim at this, it is too dangerous for one so weak in the faith as I am. Let me endeavour to withdraw myself, and find my pleasure in the testimony of my conscience.” 

“18th. Came off to Teston, to see the Middletons and Mrs. Bouverie. How much better is this society! I will endeavour to confine myself more to those who fear God.”

“30th. Began the waters [at Bath]. Resolved to lead a new life, adhering more stedfastly to my resolutions. Do Thou, O God, renew my heart—fill me with that love of Thee which extinguishes all other affections, and enable me to give Thee my heart, and to serve Thee in spirit and in truth…” 

“Read Barrow’s sermon on love of God, and much affected by it—yet I get insensibly into a sluggish state of mind. I must amend—a continual sense of God’s presence is the best preservative.”

Date: July 17-18, 30, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 234, 236

Posted: 20201020

Reflection 53

On misplaced affections, renewed resolution, and prayers for God’s restorative and sanctifying work in his life… 

“I resolve to amend. Alas, my sluggish spirit grovels in the carnal enjoyments, and my deceitful heart loses itself in the vain pursuits, of the world. Do Thou, O God, quicken me by Thy blessed Spirit. Bring home the wanderer. Fix my misplaced affections on Thee. Oh strive to enter in at the strait gate.”

“I am going to renew the dedication of myself to thee at thy table, O Lord. Be thou made unto me, O Jesus, wisdom and sanctification. Enlighten my understanding, renew my heart, purify my affections; guide and guard me through this vain world, and conduct me to those heavenly mansions where faith shall be lost in sight, and where secure from change thy people shall live for ever in thy presence.”

Date: March 8, April 12, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 209, 214

Posted: 20201013

Reflection 52

On the effects of serious self-examination, including increased resolution with an eye toward greater reliance on God for success… 

“Strongly and deeply affected by an examination of myself, I would hope to good purpose, and resolved to change my habits of life. This perpetual hurry of business and company ruins me in soul if not in body. I must make a thorough reform. More solitude and earlier hours—diligence—proper distribution and husbandry of time—associating with religious friends; this will strengthen my weakness by the blessing of God.” “On an impartial examination of my state, I see that the world is my snare; business and company distract my mind, and dissipate those serious reflections which alone can preserve us from infection in such a situation of life as mine, where these antidotes are ever wanted to prevent our falling victims to this mortal contagion. My error hitherto has been, I think, endeavouring to amend this and the other failing, instead of striking at the root of the evil. Let me therefore make a spirited effort, not trusting in myself, but in the strength of the Lord God. Let me labour to live a life of faith, and prayer, and humility, and self-denial, and heavenly-mindedness, and sobriety, and diligence. Let me labour this week in particular, and lay down for myself a course of conduct. Yet let not this be mainly on my mind, but the fear and love of my Maker and Redeemer. Oh that the blessed day may come, when in the words of St. Paul, I may assert of myself that my conversation is in heaven; that the life I now lead in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me!” “I trust I can say in the presence of God that I do right in going into company, keeping up my connexions, &c. Yet as it is clear from a thorough examination of myself that I require more solitude than I have had of late, let me henceforth enter upon a new system throughout. Rules—As much solitude and sequestration as are compatible with duty. Early hours night and morning. Abstinence as far as health will permit. Regulation of employments for particular times. Prayer three times a day at least, and begin with serious reading or contemplation. Self-denial in little things. Slave trade my main business now.”

Date: March 1, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 207-208

Posted: 20201006

Reflection 51

On worldly distraction, wasted time, and his conviction that focused effort and God’s aid will be required to faithfully execute his responsibilities… 

“19th. Dined at Thellusson’s—large party—how frivolous and foolish the conversation! But how little was I spiritually-minded, or faithful in endeavouring to improve it or my time! I am conformed to this world—I must change…

“24th. I called on John Wesley—a fine old fellow. The bustle and hurry of life sadly distract and destroy me. Alas, alas, I must mend; may God enable me.

“25th. Sub-committee—Bishop of Salisbury’s. Dined at Lord Salisbury’s—large party—nothing in conversation worth remembering… On full conviction from experience that it is impossible for me to make myself master of the slave subject, and to go through my other various occupations, except I live more undistractedly, I determine scarce ever to dine out in parties, and in all respects to live with a view to these great matters, till the slave business is brought to some conclusion. May God bless the work and my endeavours.”

Date: February 19-25, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 205-206

Posted: 20201002

Reflection 50

On God’s gift of the sabbath and its usefulness for rest, remembrance, and righting course… 

“Blessed be God, who hath appointed these solemn returns of the day of rest to remind us of those most important realities, of which we grow forgetful amidst the hurry of business and the vanities of the world.”

“Oh blessed be God who hath appointed the sabbath, and interposes these seasons of serious recollection. May they be effectual to their purpose; may my errors be corrected, my desires sanctified, and my whole-soul quickened and animated in the Christian course.—The last week has been spent little, if at all, better than the preceding; but I trust God will enable me to turn to Him in righteousness. Write, I beseech Thee, Thy law in my heart, that I may not sin against Thee. I often waste my precious hours for want of having settled beforehand to what studies to betake myself, what books to read. Let me attend to this for the time to come, and may my slave business [abolition], and my society business, be duly attended to.”

Date: January 25, February 8, 1789

Volume 1: Pages 202-204

Posted: 20200928

Reflection 49

On strict rules for self-improvement, a personal critique, and words on the necessity (and reward) of endurance…

Perceiving that his difficulties arose from carelessness as much as self-indulgence, he sought to counteract it by laying down a set of rules too minutely practical to bear insertion here, while not content with recording against himself every infraction of these severe regulations, he had recourse to another expedient to keep his vigilance awake.—“M. and I made an agreement to pay a guinea forfeit when we broke our rules, and not to tell particulars to each other. I hope this will be an instrument under divine grace to keep me from excess. When once a settled habit is formed less rigid rules will be necessary.”—“Exceeded, and determined to pay forfeit.—Went on rather better, yet by no means up to the strictness of my plan.”—“I have lately been ill, and by the mercy of God have recovered; yet instead of devoting my renewed strength to him, I am wasting it, particularly by exceeding my rules. I re-resolve, humbly imploring pardon for Christ’s sake. Considering my constitution, resolutions, and opinions, how far am I from perfect temperance. This brings on unfitness for communion with God; averseness from him; alienated affections; a body unequal to business; an antinomian and self-righteous spirit, too easily forgiving myself for the past, and looking for comfort to better performances in future. I am hurt and ashamed at myself; yet looking to God for strength, I resolve through him to amend; and, as the only way of being safe, (licitis perimus,) to adhere to my strict rules. May this have an effect in other things.”—“Nothing is to be resisted more than the disposition which we feel when we have been long striving unsuccessfully for any particular grace or against any habitual infirmity, to acquiesce in our low measure of that grace, or in the presence of that infirmity, so as not to feel shame, humiliation, and compunction. We are not to cast off the hope of getting better of the one and attaining to the other. This is the very state in which we are to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. The promise is sure in the end. Therefore though it tarry wait for it; it will surely come, it will not tarry.” With these resolutions and in this frame of mind he entered upon the year 1789.

Date: c. December 27, 1788 – April 15, 1789 (Part 4)

Volume 1: Pages 197-199 

Posted: 20200923

Reflection 48

On “living by rule” for the purpose of better serving man and communing with God, including certain struggle and success…

Thus careful was he at this period of his life, to use the lively emotions of religious feeling with which it naturally abounded, in forming settled habits of obedience. To “live by rule,” was now his object; nor was it only over the employment of his time that he thus diligently watched. To those who knew the clear serenity of his later life, it may be matter of surprise to hear that his sky was ever overcast by storms. It is a most encouraging reflection that this peace was the result of previous contests. For though at this time most strictly temperate, and inclined in the judgment of his fellows to abstemiousness rather than excess, he was himself sensible of many struggles before his body was brought under that “ sober government” which renders it the meetest instrument of the renewed spirit. He was not labouring to reduce intemperate habits within the limits of that self-indulgent propriety which contents the generality of men. From this point he started, but aiming at a higher standard, he sought to live a life of mortification in the midst of luxury. It was his object to gain such control over his lower nature, that it should never impede his usefulness in social intercourse, or clog the freedom of his communing with God. His Diary affords many instances of these contentions with himself, upon which he entered not without some indignation at discovering their necessity.—“Surely these are not little things, health depends upon them, and duty on health.”—“They are not little things if my health and power of serving God be a great one.”

Date: c. December 27, 1788 – April 15, 1789 (Part 3)

Volume 1: Pages 196-197

Posted: 20200917

Reflection 47

On the sinfulness of his heart and Christ’s love in dying for sinners… 

Some notes inserted in his Diary when entering on the plan illustrate these tables. (See previous post.) “How long, alas, have I been a cumberer of the ground! how little have I availed myself of the opportunities of usefulness, which have been so abundantly afforded me! Be more diligent and watchful for the future—the night cometh when no man can work. Let this consideration quicken my exertions. I am about to enter upon keeping a regular account of my time, from which it will be in my power to derive many advantages. My health requires me to live indulgently in all respects; my station and sphere of action call me much into company. Let me deal faithfully with myself, and not give way further or more frequently than really shall be necessary, but strive to redeem the time as one who works for eternity. Bless this work, O God, I beseech thee.—Gross account of time . . N. B. Never to harass myself or spend the present time, in considering needlessly under what head to enter any portion of what is past. . . Squandered—waste or misappropriation—all unnecessary meals, or bed time. House of Commons, business, &c.: into this is brought all time spent in going to and from public offices—letters of business—reading for business—consulting, &c. Relaxation sua causa—here meal times when alone or quite at liberty, &c. : the more this head can be reduced the better. Dressing, &c.—all that is frittered away—all which 1 forget how to account for. Requisite company— going from place to place — waiting for people. Minor application—study—reading for entertainment, or with no great attention—familiar common letters, &c. Major application—study—reading for use—composing—getting by heart. Serious—private and family devotions, &c. Remember my rules and hints respecting the employment of odd half hours, and of thoughts in company or alone, riding, walking, providing store of thoughts, &c. &c.—”

Date: c. December 27, 1788 – April 15, 1789 (Part 2)

Volume 1: Pages 195-196

Posted: 20200913

Reflection 46

On his resolve to increasingly glorify God and benefit man, including his register of time spent to aid in achieving these ends… 

       “Saturday, 27th. My aunt died at ten o’clock.” 

       The scene which he had now been witnessing tended no doubt to deepen those serious impressions which mark the first entries of the new year. “Received the sacrament. Thought over my future plan of conduct and resolutions. I resolve to endeavour henceforth to live more to the glory of God, and the good of my fellow-creatures—to live more by rule, as in the presence of him by whom I shall finally be judged. For the ensuing week I resolve to begin the day with meditation or reading Scripture—to pray thrice—constant self-examination—table rules—Horneck’s rules—and my other rules—an account of time also.” 

       To one whose past habits and present occupations were of a desultory character, few things would be more useful, or more difficult, than to note down accurately the mode in which his time was spent. Such an account he now commenced, and continued resolutely until his studious habits were matured; and if in after-life he perceived any relaxation in his diligence he immediately resumed the practice. His mode of keeping this reckoning with himself is shown in the following weekly tables copied from his Diary; the one during his attendance upon the House of Commons, the other at a season of retirement in the country. It was his continual complaint, “that my infirm health makes so much sleep absolutely essential to me.”

Date: December 27, 1788 – April 15, 1789 (Part 1)

Volume 1: Pages 193-195

Posted: 20200910

Reflection 45

On his commitment to living out Christian principles in the public sphere, in response to a letter urging him to attend the jubilee at York…

“Were I to attempt,” he answers, “to show my constituents this, it would be an attempt to impose upon them which nothing should induce me to practice, and which I am sure you would be the last man in the world to recommend. Except in the personal regard and gratitude to my friends, which were then so strong that I dare not say they are increased, I cannot, (I speak to you what addressed to another would be arrogant, but what in speaking to you it would be worse than affectation to withhold,) I cannot say that I am by any means the same person. I can assert with truth that I have a higher sense of the duties of my station, and a firmer resolution to discharge them with fidelity and zeal; but it is also true that I am under many restraints as to my conduct to which I was not then subject, and that my religious opinions are very different. Not that I would shut myself up from mankind and immure myself in a cloister. My walk I am sensible is a public one; my business is in the world; and I must mix in assemblies of men, or quit the post which Providence seems to have assigned me…”

Note: The celebration referred to above is the centenary of the Glorious Revolution.  

Date: November 1788

Volume 1: Page 187

Posted: 20200907

Reflection 44

On his newfound appreciation of solitude… 

“A Sunday spent in solitude spreads and extends its fragrance; may I long find the good effects of this.” There had been a time when to be thrown thus upon his own resources had been a severe trial to his spirits, “I scarce ever felt,” he has said, “such wretchedness as during those days which I spent by myself before my reader joined me at Rayrigg, in 1784. My eyes were so bad that I could not read; the rain would not let me leave the house, and I had not a creature with whom to converse: I stood resting my forehead on the chimney-piece in a state of weariness not to be described.” But now he had learned to “commune with his own heart and to he still;” he had drunk into that “free spirit” by which alone such self-converse can be happily maintained.

Date: October 5, 1788

Volume 1: Pages 185-186

Posted: 20200904

Reflection 43

On resolutions and faith for confronting temptations associated with continual company… 

“I am this week entering on a scene of great temptation,—a perpetual round of dissipation and my house overflowing with guests; it is the more necessary for me to live by the faith of the Son of God. Do Thou then, Thou blessed Saviour and Friend of sinners, hear and have mercy on me. Let Thy strength be magnified in my weakness. But whatever be the issue of this residence at Rayrigg, may it be a useful lesson to teach me to form my plans hereafter with greater caution and circumspection, and not to run myself into temptations, from the evil of which he who voluntarily exposes himself to them cannot reasonably expect to be delivered. 

“I will now form and note in my pocket-book such resolutions for this week’s regulation, as are best adapted to my present circumstances; and do Thou, O God, enable me to keep them. My general object, during my stay at this place, should be to guard against habits of idleness, luxury, selfishness, and forgetfulness of God, by interlacing as much as I can of reading, and meditation, and religious retirement, and self-examination. Let me constantly view myself in all my various relations 

as one who professes to be a Christian,

as a member of parliament, 

as gifted by nature and fortune, as a son, brother, paterfamilias, friend, with influence and powerful connexions. 

“1. To be for the ensuing week moderate at table. 

“2. Hours as early as can contrive. Redeeming the time.” 

As he was not now contented with empty resolutions of amendment, he determined upon having more command over the disposal of his time, by giving up this favourite residence.

Date: July 1788 (Part 2)

Volume 1: Pages 181-182

Posted: 20200901

Reflection 42

On recognizing the negative impacts of continual company on his health and character, including a prayer…

“The life I am now leading,” he enters in his private Journal at the end of July, “is unfavourable in all respects, both to mind and body, as little suitable to me considered as an invalid, under all the peculiar circumstances of my situation, as it is becoming my character and profession as a Christian. Indolence and intemperance are its capital features. It is true, the incessant intrusion of fresh visitors, and the constant temptations to which I am liable, from being always in company, render it extremely difficult to adhere to any plan of study, or any resolutions of abstemiousness, which last too it is the harder for me to observe, because my health requires throughout an indulgent regimen. Nothing however can excuse or palliate such conduct, and with the sincerest conviction of its guilt, I pray to that gracious God whose ways are not as our ways, to have mercy upon me, to turn the current of my affections, to impress my mind with an awful and abiding sense of that eternity which awaits me, and finally to guide my feet into the way of peace. And though I have so often resolved and broken my resolutions, that I am almost ready to acquiesce in the headlong course which I am following; yet as thus to acquiesce would be to consign myself to irreversible misery, I must still strive to loose myself from this bondage of sin and Satan, calling on the name of the Lord, who alone can make my endeavours effectual.”

Date: July 1788 (Part 1)

Volume 1: Pages 180-181

Posted: 20200829

Reflection 41

On personal shortcomings and his hope for improvement… 

Of himself he complains, “I am too easily contented with a general impression of religion, and do not labour to perfect faith by habituating myself to act upon a principle of love. I scarcely dare resolve, after so many defeats; but I trust I shall do better, relying entirely for success upon the assistance of that Holy Spirit which we are promised.”

Date: June 1788

Volume 1: Page 177

Posted: 20200826

Reflection 40

On trusting God for future service despite a severely debilitating sickness… 

“Behold me,” he wrote from Bath to Mr. Wyvill, “a banished man from London and business. It is no more than I can expect if my constituents vote my seat abdicated, and proceed to the election of another representative: however, I trust I shall yet be enabled by God’s blessing to do the public and them some service…”

Date: c. April 5, 1788

Volume 1: Page 169

Posted: 20200823

Reflection 39

On the real reason he entered the fray of Abolition and was able to fight for so long… 

But the real cause of his engaging in the work lay far deeper than any such suggestions…

Personal ambition and generous impulses would have shrunk from the greatness of the undertaking, or grown wearied in the protracted struggle, and these hitherto had been the main springs of his conduct…

“God,” he says, in undertaking what became at once a sacred charge—“God Almighty has set before me two great objects, the suppression of the slave trade and the reformation of manners.” In this spirit he approached the strife, and let it never be forgotten, that it was the fear of God which armed him as the champion of the liberty of man.

Date: c. October 1787

Volume 1: Page 147-149

Posted: 20200820

Reflection 38

On the necessity of God’s help for accomplishing reform in the nation and in himself… 

“By God’s help,” he writes, “I will set vigorously about reform. I believe one cause of my having so fallen short is my having aimed no higher. Lord Bacon says, great changes are easier than small ones. Remember, thy situation abounding in comforts requires thee to be peculiarly on thy guard, lest when thou hast eaten and art full thou forget God.” And again, on a later day, “It is now a year and three quarters since I began to have a serious concern about my soul; and little did I then think that this time would have passed to no better purpose, or that I should now be no further advanced in the Christian walk. Two sessions of parliament gone over, yet nothing done for the interests of religion. My intellectual stores not much increased, and I am less able in debate than formerly, which is highly criminal, considering the weight to be derived from credit for eloquence in this country. But the heart is the worst of all. . . Oh let not, Lord, my compunction be so transitory as it has been before, when Thou hast impressed me with a conviction of my danger, but may it be deeply worked into my heart, producing a settled humility, and an unremitting watchfulness against temptation, grounded on a consciousness of my own impotence and proneness to offend.”

Date: c. September 1787

Volume 1: Page 139-140

Posted: 20200817

Reflection 37

On his God-given object of reforming manners and his understanding of the ‘hearts of men’…   

“God,” he says, “has set before me as my object the reformation of [my country’s] manners.” 

In this zealous spirit he undertook the work. He endeavoured to infuse amongst his numerous friends a determination to resist the growing vices of the times. “The barbarous custom of hanging,” he tells one of them, “has been tried too long, and with the success which might have been expected from it. The most effectual way to prevent the greater crimes is by punishing the smaller, and by endeavouring to repress that general spirit of licentiousness, which is the parent of every species of vice. I know that by regulating the external conduct we do not at first change the hearts of men, but even they are ultimately to be wrought upon by these means, and we should at least so far remove the obtrusiveness of the temptation, that it may not provoke the appetite, which might otherwise be dormant and inactive.”

Date: c. June 1787

Volume 1: Page 130-131

Posted: 20200814

Reflection 36

On the significance of Christian witness… 

“Walk charitably,” he writes down as his law; “wherever you are be on your guard, remembering that your conduct and conversation may have some effect on the minds of those with whom you are, in rendering them more or less inclined to the reception of Christian principles, and the practice of a Christian life. Be ready with subjects for conversation,—for private thought, as Watts and Doddridge recommend.—This week to find opportunities for opening to M. B. and to endeavour to impress her deeply with a sense of the importance of the one thing needful, and to convince her that the loose religion and practice of common professors is not the religion and practice of the Bible.”

Date: November 18, 1786

Volume 1: Page 128

Posted: 20200811

Reflection 35

On the sufficiency of Christ and the incomparable satisfaction of pleasing and fellowshipping with God… 

“I am too apt,” he says Nov. 18th, “to be considering how far I may advance towards sin, in animal indulgences particularly; not remembering that a Christian’s life is hid with Christ in God, that he ought to have more satisfaction in offering the little sacrifices God requires, as the willing tribute of a grateful heart, than in gratifying fleshly appetites; and that he should look for his happiness in fellowship with God, and view with jealousy whatever tends to break in on this communion. I am apt to be thinking it enough to spend so many hours in reading, religious service, study, &c. What a sad sign is this! how different from that delight in the law and service of God in the inner man, which St. Paul speaks of, and which was so eminent in David! O my God, for the sake of Thy beloved Son, our propitiation, through whom we may have access to the throne of grace, give me a new heart—give me a real desire and earnest longing for one. I have got a trick of congratulating myself when I look at my watch, or the clock strikes, ‘Well, one hour more of this day is gone.’ What ingratitude is this to God, who spares this cumberer of the ground from day to day, to give him time for repentance!”

Date: November 18, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 127-128

Posted: 20200808

Reflection 34

On living in light of eternity, in a letter to Lord Muncaster… 

“O my dear Muncaster, how can we go on as if present things were to last forever, when so often reminded by accidents like these [a death], ‘that the fashion of this world passes away!’ Every day I live I see greater reason in considering this life but as a passage to another. And when summoned to the tribunal of God, to give an account of all things we have done in the body, how shall we be confounded by the recollection of those many instances, in which we have relinquished a certain eternal for an uncertain transitory good! You are not insensible to these things, but you think of them rather like a follower of Socrates than a disciple of Jesus. You see how frankly I deal with you, in truth I can no otherwise so well show the interest I take in your happiness: these thoughts are uppermost in my heart, and they will come forth when I do not repress my natural emotions. Oh that they had a more prevailing influence over my disposition and conduct; then might I hope to afford men occasion ‘to glorify our Father which is in heaven;’ and I should manifest the superiority of the principle which actuated me, by the more than ordinary spirit and activity by which my parliamentary, my domestic, and all my other duties were marked and characterized.”

Date: October 20, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 126-127

Posted: 20200805

Reflection 33

On how he wished to conduct himself while visiting friends… 

“Remember,” he says here, “to pray to God that I may be cheerful without being dissipated. Remember your peculiar duties arising out of your parliamentary situation, and wherever you are, be thinking how you may best answer the ends of your being, and use the opportunities then offered to you. Above all, let me watch and pray with unremitting fervency; when tempted, recollect that Christ, who was also tempted, sympathizes with thy weakness, and that lie stands ready to support thee, if thou wilt sincerely call on him for help.”

Date: October 8, 1786

Volume 1: Page 123

Posted: 20200802

Reflection 32

On various manifestations of his watchfulness over self… 

“My chief temptations,” he says, “against which to guard this week particularly, are, first,—My thoughts wandering when reading or doing any thing. Secondly,—Losing sight of God in company and at meals. This often begins by an affected vivacity. Thirdly,—I am apt to favour my wandering temper by too short and broken periods of study. To form my plan as carefully as I can to prevent these. Think how to serve those you are in the house with—in the village—your constituents. Look to God through Christ . . . How does my experience convince me that true religion is to maintain communion with God, and that it all goes together.—Let this be a warning . . . Contempt of this world in itself, and views constantly set upon the next. Frequent aspirations. To call in at some houses in the village. To endeavour to keep my mind in a calm, humble frame—not too much vivacity. To put my prayers into words to prevent wandering. Consider always before you take up any book what is your peculiar object in reading it, and keep that in view. Recollect all you read is then only useful when applied to purify the heart and life, or to fit you for the better discharge of its duties. To recapitulate verbally, discutiendi causa. Let me try by prayer and contemplation to excite strong desires for future heavenly joys—to trust less to my own resolutions and more to Christ.”

Date: August 4, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 122-123

Posted: 20200730

Reflection 31

On his conviction that God must change him – apart from his own efforts, though not absent his participation…

“I see plainly the sad way in which I am going on. Of myself I have not power to change it. Do Thou, O Thou Saviour of sinners, have mercy on me, and let me not be an instance of one who having month after month despised Thy goodness and longsuffering, has treasured up to himself wrath against the day of wrath. The sense of God’s presence seldom stays on my mind when I am in company; and at times I even have doubts and difficulties about the truth of the great doctrines of Christianity.” Yet in spite of difficulties he was resolved to persevere.—“With God,” he reasons with himself, “nothing is impossible. Work out then thy own salvation. Purify thy heart, thou double-minded—labour to enter into that rest. The way is narrow; the enemies are many, to thee particularly; . . rich, great, &c.: . . but then we have God and Christ on our side: we have heavenly armour; the crown is everlasting life, and the struggle how short, compared with the eternity which follows it! Yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry.” While he thus encouraged himself, hoping against hope, there were at times already on his path gleams of brighter light. “On this day,” he says August 24th, “I complete my twenty-seventh year. What reason have I for humiliation and gratitude! May God, for Christ’s sake, increase my desire to acquire the Christian temper and live the Christian life, and enable me to carry this desire into execution.” A few days later he adds, “I am just returned from receiving the sacrament. I was enabled to be earnest in prayer, and to be contrite and humble under a sense of my unworthiness, and of the infinite mercy of God in Christ. I hope that I desire from my heart to lead henceforth a life more worthy of the Christian profession. May it be my meat and drink to do the will of God, my Father. May He daily renew me by His Holy Spirit, and may I walk before Him in a frame made up of fear, and gratitude, and humble trust, and assurance of His fatherly kindness and constant concern for me.”

Date: August 13, 24; September 3, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 120-122

Posted: 20200727

Reflection 30

On his desire to live more to God, a prayer… 

“Do Thou, O God, set my affections on purer pleasures. Christ should be a Christian’s delight and glory. I will endeavour by God’s help to excite in myself an anxiety and longing for the joys of heaven, and for deliverance from this scene of ingratitude and sin; yet, mistake not impatience under the fatigues of the combat for a lawful and indeed an enjoined earnestness for, and anticipation of the crown of victory. I say solemnly in the presence of God this day, that were I to die, I know not what would be my eternal portion. If I live in some degree under the habitual impression of God’s presence, yet I cannot, or rather I will not, keep true to him; and every night I have to look back on a day misemployed, or not improved with fervency and diligence. O God! do Thou enable me to live more to Thee, to look to Jesus with a single eye, and by degrees to have the renewed nature implanted in me, and the heart of stone removed.”

Date: July 30, 1786

Volume 1: Page 120

Posted: 20200724

Reflection 29

On not mistaking self-condemnation for true contrition and repentance, a prayer… 

“July 2nd. I take up my pen because it is my rule; but I have not been examining myself with that seriousness with which we ought to look into ourselves from time to time. That wandering spirit and indolent way of doing business are little if at all defeated, and my rules, resolved on with thought and prayer, are forgotten. O my God, grant that I may be watchful, and not mistake that disapprobation which cannot but arise in me when I look into myself and recollect all my advantages, and my first sensations and resolutions, and how little the event is answerable—let me not mistake this for that contrition and repentance which operates upon the mind with a settled force, and keeps the whole man . . if not always, yet for the most part . . waiting and anxiously looking for God.”

Date: July 2, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 117-118

Posted: 20200721

Reflection 28

On the sinfulness of his heart and Christ’s love in dying for sinners… 

“June 22nd. Near three hours going to and seeing Albion Mill. Did not think enough of God. Did not actually waste much time, but too dissipated when I should have had my thoughts secretly bent on God. Meditation, ‘What shall I do to be saved?’—23rd. Thought too faintly. Meditation, ‘Heart deceitful above all things.’—25th. I this day received the sacrament: I fear too hastily; though I thought it right not to suffer myself to be determined by my momentary feelings. I do not think I have a sufficiently strong conviction of sin; yet I see plainly that I am an ungrateful, stupid, guilty creature. I believe that Christ died that all such, who would throw themselves on him, renouncing every claim of their own and relying on his assurance of free pardon, might be reconciled to God, and receive the free gift of his Holy Spirit to renew them after the image of God in righteousness and true holiness; and I hope in time to find such a change wrought by degrees in myself, as may evidence to me that he has called me from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God.—I wander dreadfully at church.”

Date: June 22-25, 1786

Volume 1: Page 117

Posted: 20200718

Reflection 27

On his aim to redeem his time for the glory of God and the good of man, motivated by Christ’s example and the brevity of life… 

“To endeavour from this moment,” he says, June 21st, “to amend my plan for time, and to take account of it—to begin to-morrow. I hope to live more than heretofore to God’s glory and my fellow-creatures’ good, and to keep my heart more diligently. Books to be read—Locke’s Essay—Marshall’s Logic— Indian Reports. To keep a proposition book with an index—a friend’s book” (i.e. memoranda to render his intercourse with them more useful according to their characters and circumstances)—“ a commonplace book, serious and profane—a Christian-duty paper. To try this plan for a fortnight, and then make alterations in it as I shall see fit. To animate myself to a strict observance of my rules by thinking of what Christ did and suffered for us; and that this life will soon be over, when a sabbath will remain for the people of God.”

Date: June 21, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 116-117

Posted: 20200715

Reflection 26

On the sinfulness of his heart and Christ’s love in dying for sinners… 

The influence of his new principles was rapidly pervading all his conduct. After a public breakfast given at this time he subjected himself to the severest scrutiny. “In how sad a state,” he says, “is my soul to-day! Yesterday when I had company at Wimbledon, I gave the reins to [myself]; sometimes forgetting, at others acting in defiance of God. If Christ’s promise, that he will hear those who call upon him, were less direct and general, I durst not plead for mercy, hut should fall into despair; and from what I perceive of the actual workings of my soul, the next step would be an abandoning of myself to all impiety. But Christ has graciously promised that he will be made unto us not redemption only but sanctification. O! give me a new heart, and put a right, spirit within me, that I may keep thy statutes and do them. This week has been sadly spent; I will keep a more strict watch over myself by God’s grace.”

Date: June 18, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 115-116

Posted: 20200712

Reflection 25

On sabbath rest and renewal, a foreshadow of things to come, in a letter to his sister… 

“I was out before six, and made the fields my oratory, the sun shining as bright and as warm as at Midsummer. I think my own devotions become more fervent when offered in this way amidst the general chorus, with which all nature seems on such a morning to be swelling the song of praise and thanksgiving; and except the time that has been spent at church and at dinner . . and neither in the sanctuary nor at table I trust, had I a heart unwarmed with gratitude to the Giver of all good things . . I have been all day basking in the sun. On any other day I should not have been so happy: a sense that I was neglecting the duties of my situation might have interrupted the course of my enjoyments, and have taken from their totality; for in such a situation as mine every moment may be made useful to the happiness of my fellow-creatures. But the sabbath is a season of rest, in which we may be allowed to unbend the mind, and give a complete loose to those emotions of gratitude and admiration, which a contemplation of the works, and a consideration of the goodness, of God cannot fail to excite in a mind of the smallest sensibility. And surely this sabbath, of all others, is that which calls forth these feelings in a supreme degree; a frame of united love and triumph well becomes it, and holy confidence and unrestrained affection. May every sabbath be to me, and to those I love, a renewal of these feelings, of which the small tastes we have in this life should make us look forward to that eternal rest, which awaits the people of God; when the whole will be a never-ending enjoyment of those feelings of love and joy and admiration and gratitude, which are, even in the limited degree we here experience them, the truest sources of comfort; when these, I say, will dictate perpetual songs of thanksgiving without fear and without satiety.”

Date: April 16, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 111-112

Posted: 20200709

Reflection 24

On the necessity of persistently relying on God for certain sanctification, in a letter to his sister…  

“Watch and pray,” he wrote earnestly to his sister; “read the word of God, imploring that true wisdom which may enable you to comprehend and fix it in your heart, that it may gradually produce its effect under the operation of the Holy Spirit, in renewing the mind and purifying the conduct. This it will do more and more the longer we live under its influence; and it is to the honour of religion, that those who when they first began to run the Christian course, were in extremes.. enthusiastical perhaps, or rigidly severe.. will often by degrees lose their several imperfections, which though by the world laid unfairly to the account of their religion, were yet undoubtedly so many disparagements to it:… like some of our Westmoreland evenings, when though in the course of the day the skies have been obscured by clouds and vapours, yet towards its close the sun beams forth with unsullied lustre, and descends below the horizon in the full display of all his glories: shall I pursue the metaphor, just to suggest, that this is the earnest of a joyful rising, which will not be disappointed? The great thing we have to do, is to be perpetually reminding ourselves that we are but strangers and pilgrims, having no abiding city, but looking for a city which hath foundations; and by the power of habit which God has been graciously pleased to bestow upon us, our work will every day become easier, if we accustom ourselves to cast our care on him, and labour in a persuasion of his cooperation. The true Christian will desire to have constant communion with his Saviour. The eastern nations had their talismans, which were to advertise them of every danger, and guard them from every mischief. Be the love of Christ our talisman.”

Date: May 21, 1786

Volume 1: Pages 108-110

Posted: 20200706

Reflection 23

On his time at Cambridge, to a friend reflecting on the same… 

“It is a gloomy and humiliating retrospect to one who, like myself, can behold only a long period of what our master poet has so emphatically styled ‘shapeless idleness;’ the most valuable years of life wasted, and opportunities lost, which can never be recovered. Your too tender allowance for my youth represents me to you in a less unfavourable point of view; but this, alas, is the true one, and it is scarce too strong to say, that I seem to myself to have awakened about nine or ten years ago from a dream, to have recovered, as it were, the use of my reason after a delirium. In fact till then I wanted first principles; those principles at least which alone deserve the character of wisdom, or bear the impress of truth. Emulation, and a desire of distinction, were my governing motives; and ardent after the applause of my fellow-creatures, I quite forgot that I was an accountable being; that I was hereafter to appear at the bar of God; that if Christianity were not a fable, it was infinitely important to study its precepts, and when known to obey them; that there was at least such a probability of its not being a fable, as to render it in the highest degree incumbent on me to examine into its authenticity diligently, anxiously, and without prejudice. I know but too well that I am not now what I ought to be; yet I trust I can say, ‘Non sum qualis eram,’* and I hope, through the help of that gracious Being who has promised to assist our weak endeavours, to become more worthy of the name of Christian; more living above the hopes and fears, the vicissitudes and evils of this world; more active in the discharge of the various duties of that state in which the providence of God has placed me, and more desirous of fulfilling his will and possessing his favour.”

*I am not what I was

Date: June 27, 1795 (correct date)

Volume 1: Pages 107-108

Posted: 20200703

Reflection 22

On what it means to love one’s neighbor, in a letter to his mother… 

“‘But who is my neighbour?’ Here, too, our Saviour has instructed us by the parable which follows. It is evident we are to consider our peculiar situations, and in these to do all the good we can. Some men are thrown into public, some have their lot in private life. These different states have their corresponding duties; and he whose destination is of the former sort, will do as ill to immure himself in solitude, as he who is only a village Hampden would, were he to head an army or address a senate. What I have said will, I hope, be sufficient to remove any apprehensions that I mean to shut myself up either in my closet in town, or in my hermitage in the country. No, my dear mother, in my circumstances this would merit no better name than desertion; and if I were thus to fly from the post where Providence has placed me, I know not how I could look for the blessing of God upon my retirement: and without this heavenly assistance, either in the world or in solitude our own endeavours will be equally ineffectual. When I consider the particulars of my duty, I blush at the review; but my shame is not occasioned by my thinking that I am too studiously diligent in the business of life; on the contrary, I then feel that I am serving God best when from proper motives I am most actively engaged in it. What humbles me is, the sense that I forego so many opportunities of doing good; and it is my constant prayer, that God will enable me to serve him more steadily, and my fellow-creatures more assiduously: and I trust that my prayers will be granted through the intercession of that Saviour ‘by whom’ only ‘we have access with confidence into this grace wherein we stand and who has promised that he will lead on his people from strength to strength, and gradually form them to a more complete resemblance of their divine original.”

Date: February 19, 1786 (Part 2)

Volume 1: Pages 106-107

Posted: 20200630

Reflection 21

On his ‘real sentiments’ about religion (following Christ), in a letter to his mother… 

“It is not, believe me, to my own imagination, or to any system formed in my closet, that I look for my principles; it is to the very source to which you refer me, the Scriptures. All that I contend for is, that we should really make this book the criterion of our opinions and actions, and not read it and then think that we do so of course; but if we do this, we must reckon on not finding ourselves able to comply with all those customs of the world, in which many who call themselves Christians are too apt to indulge without reflection: .... we must of course [therefore] be subject to the charge of excess and singularity. But in what will this singularity consist? Not merely in indifferent things; no, in these our Saviour always conformed, and took occasion to check an unnecessary strictness into which he saw men were led by overstraining a good principle. In what then will these peculiarities appear? Take our great Master’s own words; ‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy mind, and with all thy strength ; and thy neighbour as thyself.’ It would be easy to dilate on this text; and I am afraid that we should find at the close of the discourse that the picture was very unlike the men of this world.”

Date: February 19, 1786 (Part 1)

Volume 1: Page 105

Posted: 20200627

Reflection 20

On reading Scripture…

“What my heart most impels me now to say to you,” he writes to his sister, “is ‘Search the Scriptures,’ and with all that earnestness and constancy which that book claims, in which ‘are the words of eternal life.’ Never read it without praying to God that he will open your eyes to understand it; for the power of comprehending it comes from him, and him only. ‘Seek and ye shall find,’ says our Saviour; ‘Take heed how ye hear;’ which implies, that unless we seek, and diligently too, we shall not find; and, unless we take heed we shall be deceived in hearing. There is no opinion so fatal as that which is commonly received in these liberal days, that a person is in a safe state with respect to a future world, if he acts tolerably up to his knowledge and convictions, though he may not have taken much pains about acquiring this knowledge or fixing these convictions.” What he pressed on her, he diligently practised. He now spent several hours daily, in earnest study of the Scripture; he took lodgings in the Adelphi, that he might be within reach of pastoral instructions which simply inculcated its truths; and he began to seek the friendship of those who feared God. He withdrew his name from all the clubs of which he was a member ... a precaution, which he thought essential to his safety in the critical circumstances in which he was placed. “Living in town,” he says, “disagrees with me, I must endeavour to find Christian converse in the country.”

Date: December 22, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 102-103

Posted: 20200624

Reflection 19

On spiritual resolutions… 

“Was strengthened in prayer, and trust I shall be able to live more to God, which determined to do—much affected by Doddridge’s directions for spending time, and hope to conform to them in some degree: it must be by force at first, for I find I perpetually wander from serious thoughts when I am off my guard. 

24th. Up very early, and passed some hours tolerably, according to my resolutions; but indolence comes upon me. Resolved to practise Doddridge’s rules, and prayed to God to enable me. I wish to take the sacrament tomorrow, that it may fix this variable, and affect, this senseless heart, which of itself is dead alike to all emotions of terror and gratitude in spiritual things.”

Date: December 23-24, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 101-102

Posted: 20200621

Reflection 18

On seriousness – its lack and enlargement…

“I go off sadly,” he says now of himself on different days,—“I am colder and more insensible than I was—I ramble—O God, protect me from myself—I never yet think of religion but by constraint—I am in a most doubtful state. To Newton’s, but when he prayed I was cold and dead; and the moment we were out of his house, seriousness decayed.” “Very wretched—all sense gone.” “Colder than ever—very unhappy—called at Newton’s, and bitterly moved: he comforted me.” Yet some gleams of the coming sunshine even now gladdened him at favoured intervals.

“Tuesday, Dec. 20th. More enlarged and sincere in prayer—went to hear Romaine—dined at the Adelphi: both before and afterwards much affected by seriousness. Went to hear Forster, who very good: enabled to join in the prayers with my whole heart, and never so happy in my life, as this whole evening—enlarged in private prayer, and have a good hope towards God.” “Got up Wednesday morning in the same frame of mind, and filled with peace, and hope, and humility; yet some doubts if all this real, or will be lasting—Newton’s church—he has my leave to mention my case to my aunt and Mr. Thornton—not quite so warm, but still a good hope—I trust God is with me: but he must ever keep beside me; for I fall the moment I am left to myself. I staid in town to attend the ordinances, and have been gloriously blest in them.”

Date: Mid-December 1785

Volume 1: Pages 100-101

Posted: 20200618

Reflection 17

On God, his hope for perseverance… 

“12th. More fervent, I hope, in prayer—resolved more in God’s strength; therefore, I hope, likely to keep my resolutions—rather shocked at Lady L’s: these people have no thought of their souls. 

13th. I hope I feel more than I did of divine assistance. May I be enabled to submit to it in distrust of myself. I do not know what to make of myself; but I resolve, under God, to go on. Much struck in Mr. Newton’s Narrative, where he says he once persevered two years, and went back again. Oh may I be preserved from relapse! and yet if I cannot stand now, how shall I be able to do it when the struggle comes on in earnest?—I am too intent upon shining in company, and must curb myself here.”

Date: December 12-13, 1785

Volume 1: Page 99

Posted: 20200615

Reflection 16

On his struggles with callousness… 

“Dec. 9th. God I hope has had mercy on me, and given me again some spark of grace.—Dined at Mrs. Wilberforce’s (his aunt)—Mr. Thornton there. How unaffectedly happy he is—oh that I were like him. I grow hardened and more callous than ever—a little moved in prayer, but when I leave my study I cannot keep religious thoughts and impressions on my mind. 

Dec. 11th. Sunday.—Heard Newton on the ‘addiction’ of the soul to God. ‘They that observe lying vanities shall forsake their own mercy.’—Excellent. He shows his whole heart is engaged. I felt sometimes moved at church, but am still callous.”

Date: December 9, 11, 1785

Volume 1: Page 98-99

Posted: 20200612

Reflection 15

On confidence in self versus confidence in God… 

“I called upon old Newton—was much affected in conversing with him—something very pleasing and unaffected in him. He told me he always had entertained hopes and confidence that God would some time bring me to Him—that he had heard from J. Thornton we had declined Sunday visits abroad—on the whole he encouraged me—though got nothing new from him, as how could I, except a good hint, that he never found it answer to dispute, and that it was as well not to make visits that one disliked over agreeable. When I came away I found my mind in a calm, tranquil state, more humbled, and looking more devoutly up to God.” It was part of Mr. Newton’s counsel, that he should not hastily form new connexions, nor widely separate from his former friends.”

“7th. At Holwood—up early and prayed, but not with much warmth—then to the St. John’s at Beckenham. In chaise opened myself to ——, who had felt much four years ago when very ill. He says that H. took off his then religious feelings—but query, what did he give him in the room of them? Rather tried to show off at the St. John’s, and completely forgot God—came away in a sad state to town, and was reduced almost to wish myself like others when I saw the carriages and people going to court, &c. With what different sensations of confidence and comfort did I come away from Newton and Beckenham! the one was confidence in myself; the other in God. Got out of town; but instead of mending when alone, as I dismissed all caution, I grew worse, and my mind in a sad state this evening,— could scarcely pray, hut will hope and wait on God.— Thursday, 8th. Very cold all day, and dead to religious things, could not warm myself in prayer or meditation; even doubted if I was in the right way: and all generals: no particular objection. O God, deliver me from myself! When I trust to myself I am darkness and weakness.”

Date: December 4, 7-8, 1785

Volume 1: Page 97-98

Posted: 20200609

Reflection 14

On his discussion with Mr. Pitt after informing him of ‘the change which had passed over him’ and the implications for his conduct…

“I had prayed,” he says, “to God, I hope with some sincerity, not to lead me into disputing for my own exaltation, but for his glory. Conversed with Pitt near two hours, and opened myself completely to him. I admitted that as far as I could conform to the world, with a perfect regard to my duty to God, myself, and my fellow-creatures, I was bound to do it; that no inward feelings ought to be taken as demonstrations of the Spirit being in any man, (was not this too general? ‘witnesseth with one Spirit,’ &c.) but only the change of disposition and conduct.” “He tried to reason me out of my convictions, but soon found himself unable to combat their correctness, if Christianity were true.”

Date: December 3, 1785

Volume 1: Page 94-95

Posted: 20200605

Reflection 13

On resolving to and meeting Mr. Newton for guidance…

“Dec. 2nd. Resolved again about Mr. Newton. It may do good; he will pray for me; his experience may enable him to direct me to new grounds of humiliation, and it is that only which I can perceive God’s Spirit employ to any effect. It can do no harm, for that is a scandalous objection which keeps occurring to me, that if ever my sentiments change, I shall be ashamed of having done it: it can only humble me, and, whatever is the right way, if truth be right I ought to be humbled—but, sentiments change!”

“After walking about the Square once or twice before I could persuade myself, I called upon old Newton—was much affected in conversing with him—something very pleasing and unaffected in him. He told me he always had entertained hopes and confidence that God would some time bring me to Him—that he had heard from J. Thornton we had declined Sunday visits abroad—on the whole he encouraged me—though got nothing new from him, as how could I, except a good hint, that he never found it answer to dispute, and that it was as well not to make visits that one disliked over agreeable. When I came away I found my mind in a calm, tranquil state, more humbled, and looking more devoutly up to God.” It was part of Mr. Newton’s counsel, that he should not hastily form new connexions, nor widely separate from his former friends.

Date: December 3, 7, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 93, 96-97

Posted: 20200602

Reflection 12

On his stony heart and his desire for heart of flesh… 

“Nov. 30th. Was very fervent in prayer this morning, and thought these warm impressions would never go off. Yet in vain endeavored in the evening to rouse myself. God grant it may not all prove vain; oh if it does, how will my punishment be deservedly increased! The only way I find of moving myself, is by thinking of my great transgressions, weakness, blindness, and of God’s having promised to supply these defects. But though I firmly believe them, yet I read of future judgment, and think of God’s wrath against sinners, with no great emotions. What can so strongly show the stony heart? O God, give me a heart of flesh! Nothing so convinces me of the dreadful state of my own mind, as the possibility, which if I did not know it from experience, I should believe impossible, of my being ashamed of Christ. Ashamed of the Creator of all things! One who has received infinite pardon and mercy, ashamed of the Dispenser of it, and that in a country where his name is professed! Oh, what should I have done in persecuting times?”

Date: November 30, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 92-93

Posted: 20200530

Reflection 11

On the dangers of pride and his plan to guard against it…

“Tuesday, 29th. I bless God I enjoyed comfort in prayer this evening. I must keep my own unworthiness ever in view. Pride is my greatest stumblingblock; and there is danger in it in two ways—lest it should make me desist from a christian life, through fear of the world, my friends, &c.; or if I persevere, lest it should make me vain of so doing. In all disputes on religion, I must be particularly on my guard to distinguish it from a zeal for God and his cause. I must consider and set down the marks whereby they may be known from each other. I will form a plan of my particular duty, praying God to enable me to do it properly, and set it before me as a chart of the country, and map of the road I must travel. Every morning some subject of thought for the hours of walking, lounging, &c. if alone.” 

Date: November 29, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 91-92

Posted: 20200527

Reflection 10

On the sinfulness of his heart and Christ’s love in dying for sinners… 

“28th. I hope as long as I live to be the better for the meditation of this evening; it was on the sinfulness of my own heart, and its blindness and weakness. True, Lord, I am wretched, and miserable, and blind, and naked. What infinite love, that Christ should die to save such a sinner, and how necessary is it He should save us altogether, that we may appear before God with nothing of our own! God grant I may not deceive myself, in thinking I feel the beginnings of gospel comfort. Began this night constant family prayer, and resolved to have it every morning and evening, and to read a chapter when time.”

Date: November 28, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 91

Posted: 20200525

Reflection 9

On his struggle to awake and blindness to ‘spiritual things’… 

“Sunday, 27th. Up at six—devotions half an hour—Pascal three quarters—Butler three quarters—church—read the Bible, too ramblingly, for an hour—heard Butler, but not attentively, two hours—meditated twenty minutes—hope I was more attentive at church than usual, but serious thoughts vanished the moment I went out of it, and very insensible and cold in the evening service—some very strong feelings when I went to bed; God turn them to account, and in any way bring me to himself. I have been thinking I have been doing well by living alone, and reading generally on religious subjects; I must awake to my dangerous state, and never be at rest till I have made my peace with God. My heart is so hard, my blindness so great, that I cannot get a due hatred of sin, though I see I am all corrupt, and blinded to the perception of spiritual things.”

Date: November 27, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 90-91

Posted: 20200523

Reflection 8

On his childhood with a view to God’s gracious providence… 

“Nov. 24th. Heard the Bible read two hours—Pascal one hour and a quarter—meditation one hour and a quarter—business the same. If ever I take myself from the immediate consideration of serious things, I entirely lose sight of them; this must be a lesson to me to keep them constantly in view.”

Date: November 24, 1785

Volume 1: Pages 89-90

Posted: 20200521

Reflection 7

On increased conviction over sin…

The more he reflected, the deeper became his new impressions. “It was not so much,” he has said, “the fear of punishment by which I was affected, as a sense of my great sinfulness in having so long neglected the unspeakable mercies of my God and Saviour; and such was the effect which this thought produced, that for months I was in a state of the deepest depression, from strong convictions of my guilt. Indeed nothing which I have ever read in the accounts of others, exceeded what I then felt.” These were now his habitual feelings; carefully concealed from others, and in some measure no doubt dispelled by company, but reviving in their full force as soon as he retired into himself. 

Whilst this struggle was at its height, he commenced a private Journal, with the view of making himself “humble, and watchful.” The entries of this private record mark the difficulties and variations of his mind, while they show strikingly the spirit of practical improvement by which he was directed. 

Date: Between 10 and 21 November 1785 (CM: Undated)

Volume 1: Page 89

Posted: 20200519

Reflection 6

On conviction and internal change, despite outward appearances… 

Yet though his outward appearance gave little evidence of their existence, deeper feelings were at work beneath. “Often while in the full enjoyment of all that this world could bestow, my conscience told me that in the true sense of the word, I was not a Christian. I laughed, I sang, I was apparently gay and happy, but the thought would steal across me, ‘What madness is all this; to continue easy in a state in which a sudden call out of the world would consign me to everlasting misery, and that, when eternal happiness is within my grasp!’ For I had received into my understanding the great truths of the gospel, and believed that its offers were free and universal; and that God had promised to give his Holy Spirit to them that asked for it. At length such thoughts as these completely occupied my mind, and I began to pray earnestly.” “Began three or four days ago,” he says, Oct. 25th, “to get up very early. In the solitude and self-conversation of the morning had thoughts, which I trust will come to something.”—“As soon as I reflected seriously upon these subjects, the deep guilt and black ingratitude of my past life forced itself upon me in the strongest colours, and I condemned myself for having wasted my precious time, and opportunities, and talents.” Thus he returned home; another man in his inner being, yet manifesting outwardly so little of the hidden struggle, “that is was not,” says one of his companions, “until many months after our return, that I learned what had been passing in his mind.”

Date: c. October 1785

Volume 1: Pages 88-89

Posted: 20200517

Reflection 5

On his growing interest in the subject of religion, in conversation with Isaac Milner… 

“By degrees I imbibed his sentiments, though I must confess with shame, that they long remained merely as opinions assented to by my understanding, but not influencing my heart. My interest in them certainly increased, and at length I began to be impressed with a sense of their importance. Milner, though full of levity on all other subjects, never spoke on this but with the utmost seriousness, and all he said, tended to increase my attention to religion.” So interesting were these conversations now become to him, that his fellow-travellers complained of the infrequency of their visits to his carriage. 

Date: c. September 1785 (MSM: Undated) 

Volume 1: Page 87

Posted: 20200514

Reflection 4

On God’s providence that he invited Isaac Milner to accompany him on a ‘continental tour’ in 1784…

“Had I known at first what his opinions were, it would have decided me against making him the offer; so true is it that a gracious hand leads us in ways that we know not, and blesses us not only without, but even against, our plans and inclinations.”

Date: c. December 1784 (MSM)

Volume 1: Page 75

Posted: 20200511

Reflection 3

On his idea to run for the parliamentary seat for Yorkshire… 

“It was undoubtedly a bold idea, but I was then very ambitious* […] All circumstances indeed considered . . my mercantile origin, my want of connexion or acquaintance with any of the nobility or gentry of Yorkshire . . my being elected for that great county appears to me, upon the retrospect, so utterly improbable, that I cannot but ascribe it to a providential intimation, that the idea of  my obtaining that high honour suggested itself to my imagination, and in fact fixed itself within my mind.”

*Commenting on this ambition, he wrote the following in his journal September 4, 1796: “Notables in my life. My being raised to my present situation just before I became acquainted with the truth, and one year and a half before I in any degree experienced its power. This, humanly speaking, would not have taken place afterwards.” (MSM)

Date: March 1784

Volume 1: Pages 57-58

Posted: 20200508

Reflection 2

On the benefits of time in the country, away from the city… 

“If my moral and religious principles be such as in these days are not very generally prevalent, perhaps I owe the continuance of them in a great measure to solitude in the country. This is not merely the difference between theory and practice, it is not merely (though that be something) that one finds oneself very well able to resist temptations to vice, when one is out of the way of being exposed to them; but in towns there is no leisure for thought or serious reflection, and we are apt to do that with regard to moral conduct, which we are in vain advised to do in the case of misfortunes—to look only on those who are worse than ourselves, till we flatter ourselves into a favourable opinion of our modes of life, and exalted ideas of our own virtue. But in the country a little reading or reflection presents us with a more complete and finished model, and we become sensible of our own imperfections; need I add that trite maxim, which however I will, for it is a true one, that humility is the surest guide both to virtue and wisdom. Besides, custom and habit operate almost as powerfully on our opinions and judgments as on our carriage and deportment; and lest we become thoroughly tainted with the fashionable ways of thinking and acting, we should retire to converse and keep company a little with our faithful mentor, who will give us good advice, if we will but have the prudence and the spirit to attend to it. For my own part, I never leave this poor villa without feeling my virtuous affections confirmed and strengthened; and I am afraid it would be in some degree true if I were to add, that I never remain long in London without their being somewhat injured and diminished.”

Date: June 5, 1783

Volume 1: Pages 32-33

Posted: 20200505

Reflection 1

On his childhood with a view to God’s gracious providence… 

“How eventful a life,” he says in looking back to this period in his thirty-eighth year, “has mine been, and how visibly I can trace the hand of God leading me by ways which I knew not! I think I have never before remarked, that my mother’s taking me from my uncle’s when about twelve or thirteen and then completely methodist, has probably been the means of my being connected with political men and becoming useful in life. If I had staid with my uncle I should probably have been a bigoted despised methodist; yet to come to what I am, through so many years of folly as those which elapsed between my last year at school in 1785, is wonderful. Oh the depths of the counsels of God! What cause have I for gratitude and humiliation.”  

Date: April 14, 1797

Volume 1: Pages 6-7

Posted: 20200501